I have been absent from this space while the turmoil of these covid days swirls around in my brain. I don’t really want to talk about that right now. What I am going to write about is the framework through which I have been viewing things lately and what it means to me.
I have lately been obsessed with British history. I think it started a few years ago with the Great British Bake Off. I was fascinated by the hyper-regionalism of British food cultures and what that said about the people of Britain and their history. How do you get a food like a Cornish pasty, for example, which is only really eaten by a particular group of people in a particular corner of a country about the size of Kansas? How does it happen that individual towns can have their own traditional foods that are relatively unknown outside of that place? And what is the difference between a dessert and a pudding?
These questions led me to explore other aspects of British history. Transportation, for example. And identity. I learned that the population became Roman, then Saxon, then Norman, then English, but always kind of English, or maybe British, depending on who you ask. I found 20 seasons of the t.v. show Time Team on YouTube and watched it like I was getting my PhD in British archaeology. I soaked it all up.
And in the meantime I asked these same questions of the United States. What are our food cultures? What does it mean to be American in a country made up of so many different people with different backgrounds in a country that is so geographically large and varied? Is having a national self identity tied more to history, politics, or people?
Throughout all of this my questions have also been about myself. Who am I? How do I know who I am if I don’t know my family history, background, or geographic origin? Does it even make sense to be obsessed with British history if I am not, myself, provably British? Should I be investigating other countries, or does it not make a difference if I don’t know?
And what does it mean to be native to a place? There are people in Britain whose ancestors have always –always– lived in the same place. We, as Americans, are by definition a nation of people who traveled. The majority of us are not native here. We displaced natives. Does that mean we don’t belong here? How do we answer these questions within ourselves? If you don’t know where you come from is there anyone waiting for you to come back? We are all native to somewhere.
I think about the people wrestling with a family history that includes slavery and the people lamenting their family history of slave ownership. Meanwhile, I sit here not knowing anything about my family history. Is researching British history a way to feel like I belong somewhere? Is it a romanticized fantasy of kings, queens, knights, and peasants that denies the very real struggles of the very real people who are my actual ancestors, even though I don’t know them?
I think one answer would be to talk to my mother about her family and learn about these people, but she and I have a strained relationship. And here we are, back to covid, where quarantining away from my church family has shown the very real necessity of meeting with people face to face in order to love them in all of their messiness. Holding people at a distance is no substitute for sitting across a table, or even across a phone call, and needing to do the hard work of loving them despite their humanity.
If only that were easier.